Jaime the 1st
by punkirish
Summary: Willow's little black book in where she write entries about her days at Hogwarts contains all the mysteries of her mind, including the full list of 150 Ways to Annoy Snape and 150 part deux. As well as many other things. Companion to Population: 265.
1. 150 Ways to Annoy Snape

_i think i got rid of all the typos. hopefully. _

_

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__A while back I started the 150 Ways to Annoy... and now it's a legacy and there's another 150 Ways... to be posted soon. And a 150 Ways to Annoy Voldemort...but that's just in the works. Way back when I was ErisDevan I posted this, thinking that because its part of a fic trilogy that I'm working on they would have no problem with it. But they did and they deleted it, so now after much searching to find my hardcopy its back but this time I've included in Willow's diary, the character that in my fic comes up with this list and has a little black book/diary that she keeps all them in plus entries when she actually pull through with one. So good morrow to all. And enjoy. To read about the character Willow, go to my page and read the fic Population: 265. It wont let me link from here anymore. _

_Part II to come. All smiles_

_punkirish_

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I dub thee Jaime the 1st. Pronounced High-May, the Spanish way! You are to be my trusted little black book.

_First Entry - _

Good morrow all, I would like to introduce myself even though this is my own journal. My name is Willow, yeah named after a tree...insert joke here. I'm an American, well at least born of one. You see I've been every where, the latest was Denmark, and my _wonderful_ mother is still there. Why I've no clue. but no that I'm at here at Hogwart's and come to know the staff, especially Professor Snape I thought I'd give myself the task to coming up with ways to annoy him. So hear it goes. You heard it straight from the proverbial horse's mouth. When each is task is completed I will add an entry, but first here's the proposed list.

150 Ways to Annoy Our Favorite Potions Masta

1. Hug him. Say you were on strict instructions from Dumbledore to do it.

2. Owl him long and detailed accounts of your summer holidays.

3. Bake him a cake!

4. Clap noisily when he finishes telling someone off.

5. Anytime you catch his eye, wink at him.

6. Ask for his autograph.

7. Call him Severus.

8. Ask him if he fears the sunlight, or is he just naturally pale?

9. Sigh loudly whenever he walks away from you.

10. Sneak up behind him and shout 'Your robes are on fire!'

11. Grin insanely throughout each and every potions class.

12. Look terrified and leave the hall _anytime_ he picks up his spoon at mealtimes.

13. Nickname your quill 'Snapie' and talk to it during class.

14. Ask him if he's 'sure about that, sir?' whenever he states a fact in class.

15. Should he ever sarcastically inquire if you would like a detention, hold up a hand and say 'I will not be swayed by your sweet words of temptation!'

16. Accidentally call him 'Buzz' every now and again, for no good reason.

17. Turn in all your essays on perfumed paper covered in scribbled little love-hearts.

18. Sneak up behind him. Go 'Boo!' and giggle and then walk away mumbling that you 'got him good'

19. Shout out the right answers in class, as if you have Tourettes.

20. Potion: Turn hair pink and put it in his food.

21. Make exlax brownies.

22. Ask, 'Can I have detention?' just for the hell of it.

23. Give him a singing pink teddy-bear for Valentines.

24. After tasting _his_ potion drop dead.

25. Give him a cute fuzzy thing.

26. Paint his office bright orange with green trim, and purple and orange carpet, and tell him to redecorate.

27. Redecorate it.

28. Sir, I was wondering (play with hair) if you could help me?

29. Leave him random notes around school and his hideaway signed your secret admirer.

30. Send Jehovah's witnesses to his door.

31. Jump out of your seat and run yelling "They're coming!" Grab a random student by their robes, "They're coming!"

32. every time he asks what do you see, say, 'I see dumb people'.

33. Throw tiny pieces of paper at his back during lectures.

34. Write messages on eyelids.

35. Reveal revealing clothing in class.

36. Write: I love Sevy all over the school.

37. Owl him a letter full of exploding heart shaped confetti.

38. Throw exploding cards into his fire while he's trying to rest.

39. Steal his laundry.

40. Buy him boxers that say; 'monkeys come in the night and steal my underwear' or 'No, no, no, yes, yes, yes.'

41. When he asks you to leave, reply 'No you leave...I like it where I am at the moment I'm comfortable.'

42. Randomly start laughing uncontrollable in the middle of class.

43. Randomly change styles, never wear the uniform.

44. Steal his quill.

45. Replace his quill with a pink feather.

46. Change his shirt to say "I love pink fuzzy things."

47. Blow up an unexpected stranger's cauldron.

48. Make the entire Slytherin table disappear into the floor at Halloween including the benches and the food.

49. Inform him that he exists only in your imagination. "If I didn't believe in you, you wouldn't be here...because you only exist in my imagination!"

50. Sing really annoying (yet fun) songs in class...like the "Doom" song for instance from Invader ZIM or "Henry the 8th I am" (the one from Ghost).

51. Reply to everything he says with, "That's what THEY want you to think" or "That's what YOU think."

52. Be extremely loud, talkative, and obnoxious in class, but strive for good grades at the same time.

53. Use a pencil that squeaks when you write with it.

54. Get up in class, following a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with Lysol.

55. Talk in that friendly drawling voice that Mr. Rogers and guidance counselors always speak in.

56. Walk up to some random student or even Snape himself, "I hate you, and I live in your basement!"

57. Ask him questions, like 'what's your favorite color?', and 'did you have problems growing up?', and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

58. Evilly stare at him, continuously through the day.

59. Go up to him and ask, "Do your mother drop you as a child?"

60. Refer to him as Mr. Pepe.

61. When somebody sneezes, scream, "You're welcome!"

62. When he states a newfound thing that nobody's heard of in the class as right, reply "No Shit, Sherlock."

63. Tell him, "One day I will rule the world and every time you fail my test, I will get you back for it one day. You'll be sorry soon", in an evil voice and look at him straight in the eye every day during class (for a while).

64. Laugh or giggle continuously for no reason whatsoever and don't stop until he goes insane and if he tells you to stop, stop, look at him like a deer in headlights and go right back to laughing.

65. Start humming one line of a song that you know he hates, over and over again until it gets stuck in his head.

66. Imitate random people and their voices.

67. Graduating gift: turn all the teachers except for Snape into 11 yr old munchkins using Polyjuice potion.

68. While his back is turned, imitate what he says as if you were a silent movie.

69. Ditto people (Repeat certain word they say)

70. Do the opposite of what he tells you.

71. Start talking to him about something, but don't be specific.

Example- "Hey do you like it?" When he ask what "it" is, say "That, do you like that?"

72. Throw your quill at random kids in class whenever you get the chance.

73. Change all the clocks in his room to the time you go to lunch, when he leaves for a long period of time, run out the door cheering when he enters.

74. When he asks you to do something, say "Yes Mama."

75. When he yells at the class for being loud, say quietly, "God, I'm just trying to make a living."

76. Talk to him like he's five. _Wait he is!_

77. Act like you fell asleep and start mumbling these words: "Must kill Snapie, KILL KILL KILL, Must kill Snapie, DIE DIE DIE."

78. Start imitating the Swartz people from Spaceballs "High ho, high ho..." and so on, every time you enter in his presence.

79. Say things in Spanish that don't really apply to anything. Example: No hablar en la basura, por favor. - Translation: No talking in the trash can, please. - Or Prof. Snape es tan listo que chuga. -Translation: Prof. Snape is as smart as a lettuce.

80. Blow bubbles in his cauldron while he's not looking.

81. Steal his keys.

82. Lock him out of his room, from the inside; mess up his ingredients so he can see through the window.

83. When he drinks water...or for that matter...anything, ask him if it's "spiked"

84. Bring in several one liter bottles of pop. Shake them up, and then throw them as hard as you can against the wall, preferably a wall near him and away from you. DON'T USE Dr. Pepper.

85. Sit and look innocent.

86. When he bothers you to a point of explosion on a double potions day, say, "Okay, that's it. I'm going to make a voodoo doll out of you!" Say this over and over again, until he stops his lecture.

87. Take the cheapest item he has in his room and hold it for ransom. Be sure to send notes threatening to destroy the item.

88. For his birthday, make a piñata that looks like him. Hang it by it's neck from the ceiling, and hit it as hard as you can. Make sure he sees it all, well from a safe distance that is.

89. Drop you last name and change your first name to "Bob", "Bubba", "Buddha", or "Jesus".

90. Draw embarrassing pictures of him, and then pass them around class, when it comes back use them to make paper airplanes for ammunition during class.

91. Ask him questions that don't apply to anything. (Example: How many ounces of green cheese does it take to make a cow smile?"

92. Finish all your sentences with the words "In accordance with prophesy", as if you were Prof. Trelawney.

93. Give a play-by-play account of his every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

94. Holler random numbers while he's giving out measurements

95. Whenever you get a chance, scream, "No, you're wrong!"

96. Repeat everything he says as a question.

97. When he mumbles, something along the lines of "I can't wait till she leaves," while looking at the calendar, say in a sweet voice, as if acknowledging his problem, "Warning: Dates in calendar are father than they appear."

98. Go into class wearing a very revealing short red dress (umm how about something from VS) and look to the ceiling before you sit down, "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

99. Ask him questions like: Why is abbreviation such a long word? And when he answers repeat #95.

100. Transfigure his cloak into a pink fluffy bath robe.

101. Slurp and make loud noises while drinking soda in his class.

102. In the middle of random quiet time, while he's grading papers magic the chair out from under him.

103. Turn this in when he asks you to turn in an assignment, then run for you life screaming "The Commie's are coming!"

104. Wear a low cut shirt to class reading "In some cultures what I do would be considered normal."

105. When he asks you to do something say, "Yes Masta."

106. When he makes you mad say, "Don't talk to me like that, young man!"

107. Once again the madness of pie compels you, "Don't talk to me like that, young lady!"

108. Revamp a cd player so it works, turn the volume up all the way, and rock out in class.

109. Put speakers in his room, with invisibility spell on them, or rather Harry's cloak, "this is god speaking..."

110. Act like the Chuckie doll.

111. Chew and pop gum really loudly.

112. Make this list.

113. Make sure he sees it.

114. Smile...smile too much...especially when he's angry with you.

115. Laugh at everything he says.

116. When he asks what the answer is yell out '42!'

117. Have an opposite day every day.

118. Suddenly be really polite and quiet. Make him think you're planning something.

119. Say to him right before you decide to ignore him, for who knows how long, "Every time I look at you, I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."

120. Ignore him entirely.

121. Give him a sleeping potion.

122. Paint him green with silver hands, hair, and bright pink fingernails and toenails.

123. Eat strawberries.

124. While eating strawberries wear a t-shirt saying "Seductress" or "Temptress" in bright pink lettering with sparkles.

125. Variation on #118 - say "Yes, ma'am" and "No, ma'am"

126. Tell him "It's for your own good," as you lock him in his office.

127. Scream "Duck!" in the middle of a sentence of his. "Look out" would also work.

128. Shave his lumpy little head.

129. When he tries to talk, say, "Shh! I'm busy alphabetizing my brain cells!"

130. Bring tape recorder to class and act like a naturalist. "Subject is banging his head against the wall." Wear safari clothes for this.

131. Ask "Why?" when he presents a fact or asks you to do something.

132. Walk by him in the hall. Trip. Accuse him publicly and loudly of tripping you.

133. Hide his shoe. Just one shoe.

134. Ask him if he's married yet, when he says no, reply, "So that's why?"

135. Write bad love poetry. Make it look like it's his.

136. Write him bad love poetry. On the walls of the school.

137. Generally act like you're in love with him.

138. Make him think you poisoned him with something slow and painful.

139. Poison him with something slow and painful (but not deadly)

140. Click a pen maliciously.

141. Enlist the help of the whole school to ignore him collectively for a day.

142. After #141, ask him, "Where were you yesterday?" Insist he wasn't there.

143. Give him his very own pet hyena.

144. Say "Happy Birthday" or "Happy Halloween" or "Merry Christmas" at random moments or on wrong holidays. Or during a class that is particularly loud, say "I smell chaos!"

145. Insert a random word into your sentences. Example: "Good c_heese_ morning, Professor."

146. Die interestingly for no reason, repeatedly, all through double potions. Splatter fake blood all over the walls.

147. Send him a birthday card. On the wrong day.

148. Apologize tearfully for driving him up the wall at the end of the year. Much crying and sobbing,

149. Cling to his leg. Cry, "I need you!" Don't let go.

150. Bring and eat in class, a can of whipcream.

Now, I know what you all are thinking that I'll never be able to do these things, but mark my words or my letters I'll try!


	2. Why Art Thou Jaime?

_ To lilly/kissmybooty: go ahead and borrow all you want as long as somewhere along the line I'm credited. _

_AndreaPenn: thanks so much, I think I caught all the grammer mistakes. _

_AreYouDeadYet: thanks a bunch. yeah I laugh everytime I read it. To answer your question on deletion, they deleted it because it was posted as just the 150 Ways to Annoy Snape List, and they don't allow lists here. yeah. but hey they make the rules and dis you if you don't follow them. _

_Lurf you all. Now more of my insanity_

_punkirish_

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Why are thou Jaime?

Why are thou Jaime?

You lovely piece of black

Could it be the truths?

Or could it be the lack?

I can't write poetry

Worth shit

So I might as well stop

But I thinks its

The name; for

Why are thou Jaime?

What in a name

But everything

And I like this one.

That was my tragic leap in poetry, utter crap isn't it? Yeah, I though that as well. So Jaime, my black little friend, here's to you and the utter boredom of Muggle Studies. I don't even know why I signed up for this class. It's almost as bad as Binns' History of Magic class. And well, I've been what they call "muggle" for years now, so I should know who JFK was and how to work the microwave. Now I said should not can, I hate that stupid microwave, it never worked right in the first place. Called Snape, Severus today I don't think he even looked up when I said it. I think he's either used to being a git and ignoring people or he is just plain deaf, I think it's the first one. Oh and this uniform thing - utter crap. Yeah, utter crap, utter shit, whatever you want to call it. A rose by any other smells just as fucking stupid as the other. If you hadn't noticed I tend to like the name Jaime. I don't know exactly why, its just cool, and I like the way it sounds. Jaime. Yeah cool huh, say it Jaime. And there are so many other Jaime's in my life but you, my little black book will always be number 1. snicker snicker

Jaime the 1st: You, my loyal book of ME

Jaime the 2nd: that gargoyle on the second floor

Jaime the 3rd: Lupin – yeah, I dubbed him that yesterday in class, I think his is the only one I actually pay attention in, well and Potion's; don't want a cauldron dumped on your head, now do ya.

Jaime the 4th: my oh trusty of trusted pencil of death

Jaime the 5th: Snape's cauldron; don't ask I'll explain later

Jamie the 6th: Mrs. Norris; she is so a Jaime

And that's that for that.

_Willow "Tree" V. Parks_


	3. The NeverEnding Tale of the Jaime's

The Tale of the Never-Ending Jaime's

So, yesterday, second day of class, I just though it would be brilliant to start naming things Jaime, so I did. The gargoyle was obvious, as what the pencil. And Lupin he needed a name as well as the gargoyle. Now, the cauldron, Snape's that is. That is the epitome of good naming, the thing was just crying out to be named something other than 'the cauldron of most imminent danger' or 'the black cauldron of death'. And Jaime well, I think that is deserved a name like that, even though it's _owner_ is a great git. Can't blame a cauldron for being picked by the wrong owner, now can you? No.

Oh and the list is never-ending don't forget that.

_Willow "Tree" V. Parks_


End file.
